by toddpolich | Mar 13, 2019 | Sarajevo Story
I forced the breath into my lungs, hopelessly trying to stay calm while my heart is beating in every fiber of my body feeling it loudest in my throat and ears. Pressed against the wall the smell of gunpowder thick in the air, and the sporadic reverberations of gunfire and explosions were bouncing through the city walls. Some far away some very near. My fingers subconsciously run over the cracks and chips of the bullet riddled concrete.
I look across the opening. Only 20 meters between two concrete wall buildings. For a moment I daydream I had magical powers of turning myself into a mouse or a cat, small and less visible, so that I can ‘slip’ away unnoticed. I force another deep breath, but it only made me feel more breathless. I close my eyes and pray. God. Please protect me.
The cracking of shots erupts as I spring off the wall and run. “If you can hear the bullet it is not yours. If you hear it, it is not yours.” The words of my neighbour echo through my mind as a bullet zips through the air just missing my head. Then another. I run, my feet barely touch the pavement littered with shells and cracked by tanks tracks and explosions of Sarajevo at war.
I just turned 20 years old, I am young and fast. The snipers in the buildings across the street know this, they have seen me before. The weight of the buckets of water I grip in both hands slow me down, I feel like dropping them as the ground in front of me kicks up in a small cloud of dirt and fragments of cement where the bullet impacts. I did not hear that one, but seeing it is just as good. Almost there.
Another few meters and my family will have drinking water for a few more days. A few steps to reach the protection of the next concrete building. “if you hear it, it is not yours” words were echoing in my head. I duck trying to make myself smaller, hoping it matters. Five more steps. Two more. The safety of the building crashes against my body as I collapse gasping for breath. The smell of fresh gunpowder burns my nostrils so pungently strong in the air. With my hands trembling and my legs feeling detached from my body, I “collect” myself, take a deep breath into my burning lungs. The two canisters of water rattle in my hands as I prod my rubbery legs to begin the long but relatively safe walk back to our apartment.
My mind wanders.The shooters, do they laugh? Do they cuss? How do they feel about me making it for few more days? Did they let me ‘make it’ just to torture me again in few days? Are they ‘playing’ with people and their lives? Why? How can anyone find pleasure in human suffering. In a few minutes I will see the happy face of my family as we will have water to survive for a few more days. Thank you God.
by Horizons Health | Mar 22, 2019 | Anxiety Blog
How could the pain of anxiety be a gift?
When my wife was going through the suffering of anxiety and depression it seemed like nothing was good. In fact, everything seemed terrible. The crippling effects of anxiety had devastated my wife and family to a degree that was unthinkable. Through it all, the most profound thing came to us through the words of a doctor. “Pain is a gift. A gift that keeps on giving”. As horrible as it sounded at the time, these words ring more true today than any other. Although at the time, it seemed like the “cheese slipped off his cracker”, another great term this doctor would occasionally use, years later we now understand the wisdom of his words.
The Power of Pain
Through the battle with anxiety and depression, there was the full gamut of emotions. Although there were plenty of miserable times of terror, tears, and hopelessness there were actually positives. Not many but a few. The pain forced not just my wife, but all of us to look at and analyze everything. We came to realize that anxiety did not just fall from the sky. The mirror of anxiety and depression forced us to take a hard look at ourselves in an entirely differently way. Yes, my wife had suffered a great deal when she was younger, living through a war (see story). But aside from all of this, we realized that she was not powerless to anxiety. It taught us that we can, could and needed to change our lives to overcome and prevent anxiety.
The proof is in the pudding as they say and several years after recovering from anxiety and depression my wife leads a happy and successful life. To keep balance, she has to have a certain amount of structure and discipline to her life. If she doesn’t she pays the price. She makes sure she eats right, gets rest, exercises and has positive social engagement. Gone are the days of dealing unnecessary stress and drama. Long gone are the days of running from one task, chore, or engagement to the next, trying to do everything perfectly. Far off in the rear view mirror are the times of needing to martyr herself to please others. With this in mind, prayer, naps, structured schedule, saying no, positive people, supplements, stretching/yoga, and art therapy are all part of the daily formula for goodness.
The Ripple of Anxiety
With all of the learning, understanding and cultivating a life that has and continues to fight off the demons of anxiety and depression there has been an overflow to the rest of us. As a result of these struggles, we as a family, have had the blessing of painful learning. Through this, we have learned how to establish and maintain boundaries with others but more importantly with ourselves. We now look a lot more seriously at self criticism, perfectionism, and self care in an entirely different way. Through the pain and suffering of anxiety we take every opportunity to look for ways of reducing stress. Anxiety has made us live differently, think differently, parent differenly and enjoy life differently. And yes, we enjoy life. Finally.
The pain of overcoming anxiety has helped my wife and the rest of our family learn about healthy living strategies, building positive relationships, and continually monitoring the way we live. Anxiety, as painful as it is, reveals itself to be a great teacher. It’s pain is so severe the lessons are long lasting and life changing. Through anxiety, depression and stress, good people can become great people and do great this for the world. This has impact.
It is hard to believe that there is good that can come from something so terrible, crippling, and devastating. Although impossible to see it when we are suffering, there can be great good that comes from it. For those deep in anxiety and depression know that the pain is not permanent. Look for opportunities to learn. Find opportunities to grow. Find those that can teach. Pray. Know that things do get better.
