To help the friends, family and partners of those suffering anxiety, the friends and family blog forum was created. The people who support their loves one with anxiety have a tough job. Anxiety, depression, ptsd, and other stress related conditions are painful. These conditions not only hurt the people who are directly afflicted, but also the closest people around them. Anxiety creates a tremendous strain on family and friends in trying support those who are directly suffering. In fact, it is common for friends and loved ones closest to their person battling emotional issues to be impacted with anxiety of their own. There is a great deal of information available for those that are directly suffering (See Anxiety Post), some good some not, but unfortunately there is very little for those in supporting roles.
The recovery of people going through anxiety, depression can be greatly influenced by those around them. Positively or negatively. Our actions, demeanor and level of understanding can make a huge difference in recovery. Being the support person is an important job but it is not an easy one. Caregivers have a lot to carry in helping not only those struggling with anxiety, but in many situations the rest of the family. Unfortunately, most often we carry this weight alone and get little support. This is detrimental to everyone.
Support for the Supporter
Those who support those suffering from anxiety related conditions need help. We need help understanding what our loved ones are going through. Help knowing how we can best support not only the sufferer, but the entire family. Lots of help in strategies to maintain a positive relationship through the struggles. Most of all though, help in keeping our own heads above water.
The purpose of this platform is to provide information, strategies, routines and mechanisms to help cope while supporting their loved one. We have been through it. I have seen the suffering of my loved one and suffered with her. It was not easy, but with God’s blessing we got through it. Life is so much better now. It will be for you too. Have faith.
I forced the breath into my lungs, hopelessly trying to stay calm while my heart is beating in every fiber of my body feeling it loudest in my throat and ears. Pressed against the wall the smell of gunpowder thick in the air, and the sporadic reverberations of gunfire and explosions were bouncing through the city walls. Some far away some very near. My fingers subconsciously run over the cracks and chips of the bullet riddled concrete.
I look across the opening. Only 20 meters between two concrete wall buildings. For a moment I daydream I had magical powers of turning myself into a mouse or a cat, small and less visible, so that I can ‘slip’ away unnoticed. I force another deep breath, but it only made me feel more breathless. I close my eyes and pray. God. Please protect me.
The cracking of shots erupts as I spring off the wall and run. “If you can hear the bullet it is not yours. If you hear it, it is not yours.” The words of my neighbour echo through my mind as a bullet zips through the air just missing my head. Then another. I run, my feet barely touch the pavement littered with shells and cracked by tanks tracks and explosions of Sarajevo at war.
I just turned 20 years old, I am young and fast. The snipers in the buildings across the street know this, they have seen me before. The weight of the buckets of water I grip in both hands slow me down, I feel like dropping them as the ground in front of me kicks up in a small cloud of dirt and fragments of cement where the bullet impacts. I did not hear that one, but seeing it is just as good. Almost there.
Another few meters and my family will have drinking water for a few more days. A few steps to reach the protection of the next concrete building. “if you hear it, it is not yours” words were echoing in my head. I duck trying to make myself smaller, hoping it matters. Five more steps. Two more. The safety of the building crashes against my body as I collapse gasping for breath. The smell of fresh gunpowder burns my nostrils so pungently strong in the air. With my hands trembling and my legs feeling detached from my body, I “collect” myself, take a deep breath into my burning lungs. The two canisters of water rattle in my hands as I prod my rubbery legs to begin the long but relatively safe walk back to our apartment.
My mind wanders.The shooters, do they laugh? Do they cuss? How do they feel about me making it for few more days? Did they let me ‘make it’ just to torture me again in few days? Are they ‘playing’ with people and their lives? Why? How can anyone find pleasure in human suffering. In a few minutes I will see the happy face of my family as we will have water to survive for a few more days. Thank you God.
In my time of growing up, my city of Sarajevo was made famous for two momentous events. We captured world headlines with the 1984 winter olympics and one of the most bloody wars in modern history. Ironically, these events occurred less than a decade apart.
I was born in Sarajevo, the capital of Bosnia which was a republic of the former Yugoslavia. The republics of Yugoslavia were essentially the same as states to the US, differing slightly in dialect and religious alignment. However different these regions were, the country was held together under the strength of President Josip Tito. As one of the last standing communist states in Europe, Yugoslavia existed as a cohesive country and we happy. Unlike other communist countries, we were not oppressed under a dictator government, or living under the tyranny of some invisible iron fist. In reality, we enjoyed a great deal of freedom and in some ways had the best of both worlds. Yes, it was socialism. Absolutely, it was a dictatorship. Funny to say though, that it may have had its perks.
Until Tito’s death in 1980, Yugoslavia was a mix of firmness and fairness, with zero tolerance for corruption or abuse. As a result, society operated as closely to the ideals of communism as possible. Under this system we enjoyed free university education, health care, good social structure, and decently stable economy. At least we believed that to be true. With Marchal Tito at the helm, there were minimal extremes in standards from the wealthy to the poor and there was relative social freedom with a few possible exceptions. Religion being one.
Religion- a Time and Place
Religion was not officially forbidden but if you were actively religious there were “Limitations”. For example, being religious you were not able to be employed in certain jobs of any importance including government jobs and teaching. Along with this, religious people were not able to be part of the Communist Party which, not surprisingly, had many perks for those involved. Taking into consideration that communist regimes in most countries such as Russia, North Korea and China Heavily disapprove of religion, we were probably the most tolerant version of communism. As long as you kept your spiritual beliefs to yourself you were fine. My family was a perfect example of this, my mother was a devout Catholic that worked as a court stenographer. Although she had challenges being a practising Christian, she somehow hovered under the radar at her workplace.
The Boiling Frog Theory and its relationship to anxiety is an interesting one. If you put a frog in hot water it will immediately jump out. The frog inherently knows that if it stays in the water it will die. Conversely, if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will not move. As the water gradually gets hotter and hotter the frog does not recognize the increase in heat. The frog will sit until it eventually cooks. As there is no sudden change in temperature, the frog does not know that it is in danger. Until it is too late.
What’s Cooking
The scenario of the boiling frog theory is not much different from those dealing with stress. Similarly to the frog that does not recognize the increasing heat, we often do not recognize increases in stress. Not at first anyways. Not until we hit the boiling or breaking point. This boiling, is often only recognized when serious anxiety symptoms have began. (See Anxiety Symptoms List). Unfortunately, this is often too late. By this time, anxiety and stress have gained serious momentum. From this point the pain becomes obvious. And life gets ugly.
If we could clearly feel and recognize the onset of stress and it’s effect on us we could make changes. Recognizing heightened stress, we could preemptively implement healthy strategies to help us reduce an eliminate tension before it severely impacts us. Unfortunately, this often does not happen. Because of the gradual onset of anxiety we often do not recognize it or worse downplay it. Therefor we do not respond. Anyone who has suffered or is suffering anxiety can tell you that falling into it easy. In fact most people do not even know what is happening or how it happened. Although easy to fall into, getting out can be hard. Really hard. Thankfully, unlike the frog, we have the capacity to deal with this situation.
Firstly, we need to recognize that what we are suffering is anxiety. With anxiety, it is often downplayed and dismissed. When people are suffering symptoms that are seeming not stress related, anxiety is the last thing that is assumed. It is really important to get medical advice for any symptom that is concerning to ensure that there are no serious medial conditions at hand. When these have been ruled out, anxiety treatment should begin. (Recognition and prevention articles to come). The next steps are to treat the root cause of anxiety and to build a strategy for recovery. If we have the right info and tools we can get out of the hot water earlier.
Because anxiety is terrifying, the first thing to recognize is that anxiety cannot hurt you. Even though it feels like it can, it can’t. Controlling fear is vital. Next is to get to work. Recover is not easy. More importantly, it takes great discipline (article to come), persistence and patience. Change does not happen overnight and there are ups and down.
Here are some crucial elements to recovery: -Therapy. Talking to the right people who can help. -Mild exercise. Stress release is key. Intensity and stimulation to be avoided. -Develop a nutrition plan. We are what we eat, and we feel what we eat. -Pinpoint negative element in life (coaching is helpful) -Reduce and eliminate negative stimuli (including people) -Implement healthy lifestyle strategies and routines
Faith in Recovery
At the time, it seems like it will never get better. But the good news is that it does. With the right tools and support, recovery from stress and anxiety happens.
Like mentioned in the blog post Anxiety: A Gift That Keeps on Giving, anxiety changes lives. Often for the better. Going through stress, anxiety and depression forces us to change. Transform. Evolve. Improve. Blossom. It is not easy, not pleasant, not pretty. The Boiling Frog Theory and Anxiety conditions can have a happy ending. It is going to be ok.
Anxiety, depression and stress related conditions are hard. They are had to detect, hard do diagnose and hard to treat. Maybe most significantly is that they are hard to communicate about. Instead of talking about it, people fake it. But there is a danger in not talking about anxiety.
Stress related conditions are at epidemic levels in all areas of society but there is not nearly enough said about it. Thousands of children in our schools suffer from anxiety. Our workplaces are flooded with people suffering from anxiety. Families are breaking down and lives are being severely impacted by stress related conditions. This epidemic is so prevalent in our society and in our cultures. In fact, in many cases stress, anxiety and depression has become the norm. So much that people live with day in and day out without talking about it. Faking it. This has an enormous cost.
Love and Care
Talking about anxiety has several very important benefits. Firstly, it lets other people know what is going on. This gives people that care the opportunity to care. The opportunity to help. Support is so important for people suffering anxiety related pain. Just knowing that others are there and they care is vital. Talking about the pain gives people (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) the opportunity to step up. Anxiety and depression effects how we think, behave, and work. Letting the people around you know what is going on so they can understand when you are not yourself or able to perform the way they are used to. It gives the people around you including spouses, coworkers, supervisors a heads up to what is going on so they can support. This takes their pressure off working, parenting, performing, living …. exactly what is needed.
Therapy
The therapeutic benefits of talking about anxiety and depression cannot be overstated. It is so important to talk about this. Therapy and counselling often have such a negative stigma and people are embarrassed. In all actuality, counselling is a wonderful thing and saves lives. Everyone should have some form of counselling or coaching. We are seeing this more and more with athletes getting sport psychologists, executives getting stress performance coaching, etc. Good counselors can help work though underlying issues, assess lifestyle, help direct toward constructive thinking and behavior, and if need be provide help from a medicinal standpoint. The key is good counselors. Find them. It is worth it.
Our Experience
Todd: When my wife was suffering from PTSD triggered anxiety one of the best things that she could do was talk about it. And she did. She was one of the few that did not try to hide it. Although at the time, to be completely honest it was overwhelming to me. I thought that she was talking about it too much and I was concerned she was talking herself into more anxiety. In hindsight, I needed help as much as she did and I should have talked more about it. Looking back now, I am so thankful that she was communicating to me and the people around us. By doing this she found amazing people that really stepped up. She found support groups. Most importantly, through talking about it she found great counseling.
Liliana: Going through the war (Sarajevo Story) was nothing compared to going through anxiety. Talking about what I was going through
To see more on the value of talking through anxiety and depression see our member forum
