The technology that we have available to us can be amazing. It can be used to connect, share info, learn, and grow. On the other hand, it can cause problems, particularly in regards to mental health. Generally, this applies to all walks of life, but for now I would like to address mental and emotional wellness in children and youth. So what is Technologies effect the Problem of Youth Anxiety and Depression
I was at a high school recently and on my way out I noticed a group of girls sitting in a circle at lunch hour. As I approached, I expected talking, laughing and loudness. Maybe some gossip. Some whispers of their latest crushes and all that one would come to expect from a group of 14 year olds. To my surprise, the disruptive behavior, or mischievous conversation that I was expecting from a group of 15 teenage girls on lunch break was not to be seen. Or heard. In fact, they were silent. As I walked by not one eye lifted. Not one of them noticed me. Or anything else for that matter. Disappointingly, the ruckus and conversation I expected was nowhere to be seen. Just the eerie glow screens shining up from their hands as they munched down lunch.
The Story has Changed.
What is the story of cell phone and our kids. Cell phones and tech is a part of life. For most people it is a necessity. We need and used technology for so many facets of life including work and sometimes school. No debate from me. However there are a few myths surrounding these devices that we should look at.
Firstly, we were made to believe that our children needed these phones for their own safety. This may be valid. If our children are walking home, need to call for rides, are out at night for activities phone are great to ensure their safety. Although useful for this, I believe this covers about 1% of what phone are actually used for. A vast majority of phone use goes into games, social media and entertainment. If you don’t believe me check our the “screen time” monitor on you child’s phone (or your own). It is under settings. It is usually shocking.
Following this story is the idea that phones are necessary for young people to communicate. This may also be valid to a point. The use of phones, more specifically the apps and social media are used for “connecting” people. Connection of people is vital. Given the time and the place, technology can serve an amazing function in this. To look at it deeper, is connection really what is happening though. The companies that sell billions of dollars in phones, technology and apps would like us to believe this. On the contrary, instead of connecting people is it possible they actually could be a way of isolating people.
Connections
We can and should be considered pack animals. Truly, we need connectivity. We need people and interaction. As a species, we do not do well with isolation. We suffer. Our mental health suffers. Our physically health suffers. As does our emotional well-being. Indisputably, the outcome in situations of long term isolation is not positive. For example, take a healthy person in normal life, remove them from their family and friends. Limit their access to socializing for an expended period of time. Before long, loneliness and sadness creeps in and this person’s demeanor will change. Their level of wellness will change and they suffer.
Isolation
How prisons work? Basically, it comes down to limiting freedom. Limiting ability to socialize is part of this. Further to this, how do prisons punish people when they break the laws or rules of the prison? They are placed in solitary confinement. Segregation. Isolation. Pain. Torture. It is one of the worst punishments to people. Solitary confinement is the epitome of punishment and ways of inflicting pain on a human being.
Another example, is Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away. After a plane crash, he was stranded on an island completely alone. Once he established how to survive, food, water, shelter, he had it made. Right? Tropical paradise, healthy food, lots of sun, no rules. What else could one ask for? Sound good? Not a chance. Maybe for a week or two things would be ok, but not for long.
In this movie, his biggest struggle was not his physical survival, it was his mental/emotional survival. It was being alone. Thankfully, he took action. Understanding his own loneliness, Tom Hanks made friends with a volleyball named Wilson who helped him keep his sanity until being rescued. Sorry if I gave away the ending of the movie, but there is a statute of limitations on movie spoilers (20 years). Still watch the movie. Besides the scene with the figure skate it is a great movie.
An important point for his survival is that he knew he was alone. More importantly he knew why he was unhappy. He knew what he needed. Companionship. Same with prisoners in solitary confinement. They know they are isolated. They know they are alone. The pain is recognizable and understandable.
Acting on Loneliness
Generally, people can recognize when they are isolated and in most cases they can act on it. In the event that someone is lonely they can usually do something about it. In most cases people can get together with other people, socialize and connect. Technology like Meetup.com addresses just this, by bringing people with similar interests together. Sports teams are great for this as are clubs, groups, community organizations, etc. Understanding that the source of pain is loneliness and engaging with others is a great step in making us feel better. On a biological level connecting and bonding with people releases oxytocin which makes us feel good and reduces stress. Certainly if we recognize we are lonely we can do something about it. But what if we don’t recognize it?
In contrast to the prisoner in solitary confinement or a person stranded alone on an island, with social media we may not know we are alone. We may not be able to recognize our pain is loneliness. For a young person who has limited visibility of the world, social media can be confusing. Even deceiving. Most people have a few people in their social media world. Some a lot. These are their Instagram and Twitter followers, Facebook friends, and Snapchat whatevers you call thems. They are not hard to find. In fact they are easy to find. Follow enough people, some will follow you back. Friend request enough people, many will accept. Clearly it is not difficult to build a “friend” group. Similarly, it is easy to keep them. This is the problem. This is not socializing.
The Mystery of Modern Loneliness
As young people go about the routine of social media culture by building these “friend” groups the lines and definitions of socializing, friendship and relationship can become blurred. More importantly the concept of loneliness can become blurred. This can be a dangerous thing.
Technology and Youth Anxiety and Depression. In contrast to the cast away or convict who know why they are lonely, sad, or depressed, our young people may not be able to identify the source of their pain. After all how could someone with 1000 Instagram followers be lonely? The problem is huge. Not being able to identify the root of the problem usually means not being able to find the solution. (good article)
The isolation created by social media can be heavy, deceiving and incredibly detrimental. As social pressure rise (Future Article), our children are not provided the tools to deal with it. Today, they are less likely to turn to actual people for support. Rather, they are more likely to turn to social media. It can become a circle of stress, turning to social media (friends) for support, feeling more alone as social media provides no empathy. No real connection. Instead of calling up a friend and sitting to talk they sit alone looking at a screen that does not respond with sincerity, authenticity or reality. This is a problem.
Automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) are a trademark of anxiety and depression. People are often unaware of these negative thoughts. Therefore not realizing that they are the underlying cause of their fears, and negative physiological and psychological distress. ANTs are typically developed in early childhood and become inter-woven into an adversity coping style. This coping style comes to be replayed over and over as negative messages in various scenarios in life. Replayed deep in our subconscious brain, these old patterns cause great harm as we are unaware of what is happening.
For Example:
Most people that I worked with initially are frustrated by their own reactions to events in their lives. Feeling lack of control, they are seemingly stuck in a loop of behavior that feels automated. For the most part, the reactions they have are in fact outside of their immediate control. As these choices were not made with the logical, thinking part of the brain, their reactions are mainly automated reactions to pre-written subconscious programs based in faulty beliefs which are called ANTs.
Here is a list of sabotaging automatic negative thoughts (ANTs):
Black and White or All or Nothing With this style of thinking we see things as ALL good or ALL bad, nothing in between. Perfectionism is part of this style of thinking. Either we will do things perfectly well or perfectly fail to do them at all.
Mental Filter With this style of thinking we pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that our vision of reality becomes darkened and all positivity is filtered out. For example: you receive many positive comments about your work performance from a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.
Over-generalization With this style of thinking we see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career setback, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when you think about it.
Jumping to Conclusions With this style of thinking we interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support our conclusions.
Mind Reading Without any concrete evidence we arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to us. We make a decision to believe that they do not like us, while in reality that is not the truth.
Fortune-telling We make predictions that things will turn out badly without any concrete evidence. If we feel depressed we may think along the lines: “I will never get better. I am a hopeless case.”
Catastrophizing or Magnifying With this style of thinking we exaggerate the outcome. If we have small mark on our skin, even before we have checked that it is malignant we perceive future negatively and tragically. We are already seeing ourselves on the death bed.The story that best describes this style of thinking is:‘A man stubbed his toe, then he started thinking, what if this toe gets infected, and the infection spreads, and then I have to amputate the leg, and then I lose my job and my wife, and then I end up begging on the street …the mind went from ‘I stubbed my toe’ to “I will end up broke, alone and on the street begging’.
Emotional Reasoning With this style of thinking we assume that our negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly.” Or, “I feel angry. This proves that I’m being treated unfairly.” “I feel hopeless. The situation must really be hopeless.”
Labeling is an extreme form of black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking. With this style of thinking instead of saying “I made a mistake,” we attach negative labels to ourselves: “I’m a loser.” “I am such a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.” Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but “fools,” “losers” and “jerks” do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to shame, anger, anxiety, frustration, guilt. You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: “He’s an idiot.” Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.
Personalization and Blame With this style of thinking we hold ourselves personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under our control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman’s husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I was more beautiful/skinner/smarter, he wouldn’t beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being blamed and they will just turn to defence and stonewall you. It’s like a game of hot potato no one wants to get stuck with it.
Conclusion
People that suffer from anxiety and depression often have one or many of these thinking styles. It is important to acknowledge that we struggling with ANTs. We are not born thinking this way, we learned to think this way. Since we have been thought how to think negatively we can also teach ourselves to change and learn new positive ways of thinking. This takes time, effort and discipline but it is possible and necessary if we wish to live more positive lives.
When my wife was going through the suffering of anxiety and depression it seemed like nothing was good. In fact, everything seemed terrible. The crippling effects of anxiety had devastated my wife and family to a degree that was unthinkable. Through it all, the most profound thing came to us through the words of a doctor. “Pain is a gift. A gift that keeps on giving”. As horrible as it sounded at the time, these words ring more true today than any other. Although at the time, it seemed like the “cheese slipped off his cracker”, another great term this doctor would occasionally use, years later we now understand the wisdom of his words.
The Power of Pain
Through the battle with anxiety and depression, there was the full gamut of emotions. Although there were plenty of miserable times of terror, tears, and hopelessness there were actually positives. Not many but a few. The pain forced not just my wife, but all of us to look at and analyze everything. We came to realize that anxiety did not just fall from the sky. The mirror of anxiety and depression forced us to take a hard look at ourselves in an entirely differently way. Yes, my wife had suffered a great deal when she was younger, living through a war (see story). But aside from all of this, we realized that she was not powerless to anxiety. It taught us that we can, could and needed to change our lives to overcome and prevent anxiety.
The proof is in the pudding as they say and several years after recovering from anxiety and depression my wife leads a happy and successful life. To keep balance, she has to have a certain amount of structure and discipline to her life. If she doesn’t she pays the price. She makes sure she eats right, gets rest, exercises and has positive social engagement. Gone are the days of dealing unnecessary stress and drama. Long gone are the days of running from one task, chore, or engagement to the next, trying to do everything perfectly. Far off in the rear view mirror are the times of needing to martyr herself to please others. With this in mind, prayer, naps, structured schedule, saying no, positive people, supplements, stretching/yoga, and art therapy are all part of the daily formula for goodness.
The Ripple of Anxiety
With all of the learning, understanding and cultivating a life that has and continues to fight off the demons of anxiety and depression there has been an overflow to the rest of us. As a result of these struggles, we as a family, have had the blessing of painful learning. Through this, we have learned how to establish and maintain boundaries with others but more importantly with ourselves. We now look a lot more seriously at self criticism, perfectionism, and self care in an entirely different way. Through the pain and suffering of anxiety we take every opportunity to look for ways of reducing stress. Anxiety has made us live differently, think differently, parent differenly and enjoy life differently. And yes, we enjoy life. Finally.
The pain of overcoming anxiety has helped my wife and the rest of our family learn about healthy living strategies, building positive relationships, and continually monitoring the way we live. Anxiety, as painful as it is, reveals itself to be a great teacher. It’s pain is so severe the lessons are long lasting and life changing. Through anxiety, depression and stress, good people can become great people and do great this for the world. This has impact.
It is hard to believe that there is good that can come from something so terrible, crippling, and devastating. Although impossible to see it when we are suffering, there can be great good that comes from it. For those deep in anxiety and depression know that the pain is not permanent. Look for opportunities to learn. Find opportunities to grow. Find those that can teach. Pray. Know that things do get better.
The Boiling Frog Theory and its relationship to anxiety is an interesting one. If you put a frog in hot water it will immediately jump out. The frog inherently knows that if it stays in the water it will die. Conversely, if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will not move. As the water gradually gets hotter and hotter the frog does not recognize the increase in heat. The frog will sit until it eventually cooks. As there is no sudden change in temperature, the frog does not know that it is in danger. Until it is too late.
What’s Cooking
The scenario of the boiling frog theory is not much different from those dealing with stress. Similarly to the frog that does not recognize the increasing heat, we often do not recognize increases in stress. Not at first anyways. Not until we hit the boiling or breaking point. This boiling, is often only recognized when serious anxiety symptoms have began. (See Anxiety Symptoms List). Unfortunately, this is often too late. By this time, anxiety and stress have gained serious momentum. From this point the pain becomes obvious. And life gets ugly.
If we could clearly feel and recognize the onset of stress and it’s effect on us we could make changes. Recognizing heightened stress, we could preemptively implement healthy strategies to help us reduce an eliminate tension before it severely impacts us. Unfortunately, this often does not happen. Because of the gradual onset of anxiety we often do not recognize it or worse downplay it. Therefor we do not respond. Anyone who has suffered or is suffering anxiety can tell you that falling into it easy. In fact most people do not even know what is happening or how it happened. Although easy to fall into, getting out can be hard. Really hard. Thankfully, unlike the frog, we have the capacity to deal with this situation.
Firstly, we need to recognize that what we are suffering is anxiety. With anxiety, it is often downplayed and dismissed. When people are suffering symptoms that are seeming not stress related, anxiety is the last thing that is assumed. It is really important to get medical advice for any symptom that is concerning to ensure that there are no serious medial conditions at hand. When these have been ruled out, anxiety treatment should begin. (Recognition and prevention articles to come). The next steps are to treat the root cause of anxiety and to build a strategy for recovery. If we have the right info and tools we can get out of the hot water earlier.
Because anxiety is terrifying, the first thing to recognize is that anxiety cannot hurt you. Even though it feels like it can, it can’t. Controlling fear is vital. Next is to get to work. Recover is not easy. More importantly, it takes great discipline (article to come), persistence and patience. Change does not happen overnight and there are ups and down.
Here are some crucial elements to recovery: -Therapy. Talking to the right people who can help. -Mild exercise. Stress release is key. Intensity and stimulation to be avoided. -Develop a nutrition plan. We are what we eat, and we feel what we eat. -Pinpoint negative element in life (coaching is helpful) -Reduce and eliminate negative stimuli (including people) -Implement healthy lifestyle strategies and routines
Faith in Recovery
At the time, it seems like it will never get better. But the good news is that it does. With the right tools and support, recovery from stress and anxiety happens.
Like mentioned in the blog post Anxiety: A Gift That Keeps on Giving, anxiety changes lives. Often for the better. Going through stress, anxiety and depression forces us to change. Transform. Evolve. Improve. Blossom. It is not easy, not pleasant, not pretty. The Boiling Frog Theory and Anxiety conditions can have a happy ending. It is going to be ok.
Anxiety, depression and stress related conditions are hard. They are had to detect, hard do diagnose and hard to treat. Maybe most significantly is that they are hard to communicate about. Instead of talking about it, people fake it. But there is a danger in not talking about anxiety.
Stress related conditions are at epidemic levels in all areas of society but there is not nearly enough said about it. Thousands of children in our schools suffer from anxiety. Our workplaces are flooded with people suffering from anxiety. Families are breaking down and lives are being severely impacted by stress related conditions. This epidemic is so prevalent in our society and in our cultures. In fact, in many cases stress, anxiety and depression has become the norm. So much that people live with day in and day out without talking about it. Faking it. This has an enormous cost.
Love and Care
Talking about anxiety has several very important benefits. Firstly, it lets other people know what is going on. This gives people that care the opportunity to care. The opportunity to help. Support is so important for people suffering anxiety related pain. Just knowing that others are there and they care is vital. Talking about the pain gives people (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) the opportunity to step up. Anxiety and depression effects how we think, behave, and work. Letting the people around you know what is going on so they can understand when you are not yourself or able to perform the way they are used to. It gives the people around you including spouses, coworkers, supervisors a heads up to what is going on so they can support. This takes their pressure off working, parenting, performing, living …. exactly what is needed.
Therapy
The therapeutic benefits of talking about anxiety and depression cannot be overstated. It is so important to talk about this. Therapy and counselling often have such a negative stigma and people are embarrassed. In all actuality, counselling is a wonderful thing and saves lives. Everyone should have some form of counselling or coaching. We are seeing this more and more with athletes getting sport psychologists, executives getting stress performance coaching, etc. Good counselors can help work though underlying issues, assess lifestyle, help direct toward constructive thinking and behavior, and if need be provide help from a medicinal standpoint. The key is good counselors. Find them. It is worth it.
Our Experience
Todd: When my wife was suffering from PTSD triggered anxiety one of the best things that she could do was talk about it. And she did. She was one of the few that did not try to hide it. Although at the time, to be completely honest it was overwhelming to me. I thought that she was talking about it too much and I was concerned she was talking herself into more anxiety. In hindsight, I needed help as much as she did and I should have talked more about it. Looking back now, I am so thankful that she was communicating to me and the people around us. By doing this she found amazing people that really stepped up. She found support groups. Most importantly, through talking about it she found great counseling.
Liliana: Going through the war (Sarajevo Story) was nothing compared to going through anxiety. Talking about what I was going through
To see more on the value of talking through anxiety and depression see our member forum
Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? When it comes to Information and anxiety it can be a double edged sword.
Yes, it is true we can get too much information. When my wife first started getting anxiety symptoms*** she did not know they were anxiety symptoms. This information would have been good to know. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of a long journey on the road of information. We have seen it time and time again since my wife’s recovery… googleitis. So many people get googleitis, or the impulse to obsessively online search. As logical as this seems, this process can create huge mental and emotional havoc that is detrimental to stress related conditions.
It was really hard to see her searching and searching for information on anxiety and seemingly becoming so confused. Watching this, as a husband and a friend it panicked me, frustrated me, and confused me. It felt like the more she searched the worse she got.
After countless turns through the revolving door of specialists reviewing her symptoms and eliminating conditions, someone finally concluded that this was anxiety. That is when it got really scary. As a great unknown, her search for information on anxiety ignited. Seemingly uncontrollable, I became really worried. She was on so many online sites and talking to so many people it was like a barrage of information. This information, unfortunately most of which was conflicting and really fear inflicting did not seem to help.
Do you want to write something here?
The Outcome
Thankfully, as a very intelligent person she was able to decipher through the mountains of content and extract what she needed. She came in contact with some amazing therapists and sources of information. These connections were invaluable. The sources of information that she found were trustworthy and effective. Although not all of the info and strategies worked for her, as we are all different, it helped all of us to get a better understanding. The importance of this research and it’s impact on our lives is a primary factor in creating this site as a resource for those suffering from anxiety, depression and stress related conditions.
In hindsight, her science research background helped tremendously that she was eventually able to find credible content and discard the loads of detrimental info. Not to say we did not go off on some wild, fruitless and possibly damaging searches, me included, but we found the answers that we needed. It took time. It was not easy. We made mistakes. Most importantly we found success. So will you.
